After my last relationship which ended sometime in March of 2010, a number of life "occurrences" came knocking in my life. Some are good, most are, shall I dare say, damnable. On one hand, I was able to stimulate small versions of my perceived future- dreams and passions put in to action, done on a small but real scale. With that, I was able to put a confirmation on goals I still want pursued and let go of passions that came to pass. With that, I saw the real world- guided but now un-sheltered. I tested my strengths and with pride concluded that I did... I can. On the other hand of course were the numerous life shaking events- continuous heart ache, my school leave, businesses collapsing, financial debts, letting go of a comfort zone, and the worst and latest of all- dad's passing away. That in the span of 3 years. The good, the bad, simultaneously happening and I took all in as I would a pint of cold and creamy strawberry Ice cream- an intensely delicious utterly brain freezing feeling. As the climb up after much struggle journeying to it finally revealed itself, I took in all the pain, the heartbreak, the joy, the small but pure moments of happiness, the warm company, the tears, the laughter. I welcomed the change with open arms as the split second hesitation and fear had passed. I let life be. And with that, life gave me so much more.
Equipped with the decision to stay by my "lonesome" -under the eyes and pressure of the know it all society- for that same number of years, I found that slowly I had learned so much about myself and just when I thought I found quite a lot already, I gain more discoveries- some of which are surprising to me even. I'm liking things I didn't like before or is it that those I've liked I only thought and acted I did and that of my liking now are actually what had always been. I am discovering parts of me that remained hidden- tucked under for someone else's to shine. And then slowly, I realized the importance of putting self first. Preached by many but practiced by nearly no one. Of course I've yet to do my "eat, pray, love" ala Elizabeth Gilbert. For now I can only do "eat, pray, love" of a normal 22 year old. Own pacing, slow and steady.
I unravel sides of me my 7 year old awkward shy self would never dare imagine I'd have. I am understanding the kid in me, the daughter, the friend, the emotional freak, the adventure thirsty, the reserved one, the lady who but wants her independence and say, the girl who at times wants to be put first. I took my time to get to know all of me so that I could accept ME.
Because of that, people's uncalled for judgments or comments, would not even cause so much as a shake. Through that, love for another -be it for a partner, a friend, a family member -can be given wholly, without having to let go love for oneself. The journey that is life would be easier as decisions and roads to take and make need not sacrifice a part of us. Selfish love is giving what little remains of love in us to another all the while feeling resentful and expectorant, wanting what was given to be filled back and filled fully. Love should be given wholeheartedly, not expecting more or any, for there is nothing to be filled and there is nothing missing inside, only a full and overflowing heart wanting to spread love to the world.
